Anger is a natural emotion. Everyone gets angry. Some more than the others. So, if you have pent up feelings due to an adverse childhood experience then you are bound to be angry more often than necessary. This also mean that you are exercising your will power to control that anger. There is only so much reliance you can have on your will power though coz once it’s used up you snap and then a loved one has to bear the brunt. More often than not, it is our partner or children.
This makes you feel guilty, sad and the works. Here are few tips that can help.
1. Count down – Before you act. Try counting down from 20 or 30. The longer the countdown the better. It allows you more time to cool down.
2. Remove yourself from the situation – Yes the person yelled at you in the traffic. Your kid has stained the carpet. Your co-worker passed the buck on to you. You got angry - If it is possible remove yourself physically out of the situation. It’s easier if you are in the car- You can just drive away. If you are with a kid – Tell the child – “Mommy/ Daddy need a timeout”. This will indicate to the child that they did something to upset you and you will talk to them once you have control over your emotions. Getting yourself out of the situation gives you the think time important to evaluate your anger and the necessary response.
3. Have a non- violent physical expression – Go for a Run, Jump or dance . You don’t want to punch a pillow after losing it on your child - if the child sees you do that it leads them to believe that the pillow could be them. Burning up the angry energy gets it out physically. So figure out a way to let it out in a non-violent manner
4. Use the dispenser method – One good way to do it is to imagine a water dispenser with a tap. Give it a name. Whenever you are angry imagine opening the dispenser and parking your anger there. The tap allows you to get it out at your own pace and quantity and will. This help you to use the creative energy that comes with anger and calm down
5. Vent it out in a journal – Having a journal, preferably online which you can access immediately can be extremely effective in managing your anger. You can bring it up on your phone after the episode and ferociously type. (don’t break the keypad). This empties your mind of the anger and even unrelated thoughts leading to the angry episode. You won’t be able to focus in an angry state any way so you might as well take the time to type out the angry thoughts in the journal and park them there. Overtime this will become your go to when you are angry.
It is ok to be angry but it is not ok to hurt someone.